Shallow Depths

My review this week is for the browser game Grace's Diary (the game itself is available here).

I was surprised by my reaction to playing Grace's Diary, and came out of it wondering if that's something I could write about.  Then I realised there's no reason I couldn't.  I tell a rather personal story, but I do have a lot of distance from it by now.

Grace's Diary focuses on raising awareness of teen dating violence. That isn't the term I would normally use. Firstly because "dating" sounds very American to my ear, so it feels more like television than something real people actually do.

Also, "violence" conjures rather extreme physical images, and I think Jennifer Ann Group are actually trying to target something broader than that.

My main concern at sharing my own tale of teenage romance was actually that it possibly wasn't extreme enough to link to such a serious cause. But I also thought it was important to broaden that idea of violence and situations we are trying to watch out for.

When I started writing initially I churned out a lot more detail. It was cathartic, but not particularly relevant. I had to be harsh with myself, and cut most of it out. I usually hate culling like that when I've gone to the throuble of writing something, but in this case it was definitely the right decision.

My rambling just diluted what I wanted to say. And in the end, deleting the words and being done with them was rather satisfying.

So, why is this blog called called "Personal Gamer," anyway?

It's a slightly silly name, but not a meaningless one. Silly names seem to go along with video game blogging. Normally I am very careful about naming things. In this case I threw out a blog name quite flippantly. And although it felt intuitively appropriate I couldn't fully articulate why initially. Today I am at least going to try.


Personal and Private?

I have kept a journal blog for many years, in which I unreservedly discuss my daily life and thoughts. I am very used to sharing personal details many people probably wouldn't even share with their friends. I don't go quite as far here, but I'm committed to openness in my online writing. It lets me discuss things like gaming with social anxiety, for example. I'm rarely capable of verbalising my ideas well, for various reasons. I appreciate having an outlet for my thoughts, regardless of whether anyone is reading them.

Many of the things I write about are quite personal to me, which may not be obvious from the outside. Writing is always quite intimate and revealing, I think. Discussing sex or mental health isn't actually any harder for me than writing about more mundane things. I was quite surprised when I wrote that anxiety article for Screen Play, and Jason Hill asked if I was comfortable having my real name on it. I didn't consider it particularly brave just to be who I am.

As an aside, Cha is actually my real name in my opinion. That other name is really more of a legal designation. And yes, I also use a pen name, in case that is confusing anyone.


Personal Opinion

I think subjectivity and individual experiences are what make life interesting. I have no desire to persuade anyone, just to discuss and see what comes out of my exploration. I also love hearing other opinions, provided they are not being presented in a confrontational, aggressive way. Discussion is much more interesting to me than argument.

I have a habit of using little qualifying phrases, such as the "I think" and "to me" in the above paragraph. It's not because I lack conviction (as some people have assumed).  An editor would probably discard them as unnecessary, but I feel arrogant without them.


Personal Ad

Okay, so I'm not actually looking for romance. But there is a slight hint of sex and relationships in the term "personal". Those are some of the things I really latch onto in games. Often they are done quite poorly, but there is a lot of potential there. When relationships (of all kinds) are done well it really stands out for me.  And when characters are diverse and believable I can connect to them and their relationships more easily.


Personal Reflection

I'm interested in the process of writing about games as well as the games themselves. Therefore I do tend to reflect on my own inspiration and development. After reviewing something I am often tempted to discuss the reviewing experience itself, or add a little more background. Meta perhaps, but personally interesting.



So, to conclude... Personal Gamer is about a whole lot of rambling.

 My latest review is for Rainblood Town of Death.  It's a cool little game, but explaining that proved more challenging than I expected.

I've been working a lot on my approach to reviewing recently, so I feel a bit mixed about my previous reviews going live.  I notice things I didn't at the time.  Game People are always happy to change things when I ask, but there's a point where I just need to let go and put it down to experience.

I also wrote this before the 'Microcosm Gamer' angle was really pinned down, so that stuff feels a bit tacked on.  Or maybe it's just because those bits are not quite my words.

The phrase "pushed all those buttons for me" really stands out because I have almost certainly never said/written that.  I have fairly extreme reactions to clichés.  My partner reminded me they can be shortcuts to understanding, and I probably don't need to have quite such a violent reaction to them.

I realise avoiding clichés is good writing advice.  But recently I've added in a few deliberately here and there as an experiment.  Just trying to get a bit more perspective on them before I go back to avoiding them.  I guess I have a strange approach to understanding writing.

I am documenting my learning process here, so I can point and laugh at some of the things I am trying to do better.  I'll always be my own worst (best?) critic, and little details really stood out on my Rainblood review.

The first paragraph has Rainblood as two words, for one thing.  That part wasn't mine, but it's still partly my lack of observation letting things slip through.

My own bad habits really bite on the second paragraph.  I begin with genre labelling, which is lazy and I'm training myself out of it.  Game genres are pretty unhelpful anyway.  On this blog I currently have the tags "action", "action-adventure", and "action-rpg".  Which are messy, but damned if I know how to fix them.

Roleplaying game is a particularly fuzzy concept (let alone whatever a "Role Play Game" is).  Maybe if I'd specified roleplaying in the sense of old-school console roleplaying games, like classic Final Fantasy, it would have meant something to someone.  But even that wouldn't be a very promising beginning.

To me, the only vaguely important ideas in that sentence were that it was indie, Chinese, and recently translated.  Indie was edited out at some point without me noticing, and suddenly I'm describing a popular game instead of a popular indie game, which is a pretty big difference.  Popular is a subjective term, but potentially sitting Rainblood next to World of Warcraft makes me a tad uncomfortable.

So, I start off with a fuzzy and slightly misleading sentence.  Good job, Cha.

If I can get past my fixation with that particular sentence there is still a lot here I found interesting.  Particularly what it takes for game violence to retain its emotional impact.  I was only touching on the edge of that topic, but it's a big one.

With a large pile of unfinished games spoilers are always a potential issue.  I am pretty far along the spoiler-hating spectrum.  I avoid trailers, and sometimes even refuse to read book blurbs.  I realise that's pretty extreme, and I don't actually expect anyone to be that considerate.  I've had to learn to make allowances, but I am still reasonably choosy about the information I read.

If I care strongly about a particular game I'll prioritise playing it, and be careful about what I read online.  Normally this works out fine.

Mass Effect 2 is something I would normally prioritise, partly because a lot of my friends play it.  But I held off this time, and decided to finish Dragon Age: Origins first.  This plan didn't work out very well.  I started to get really bored with the monotonous Deep Roads (old Dwarven tunnels).  Then the weather started to get colder, making console gaming by the heater a more attractive option than the PC in my freezing bedroom.

So, of course Mass Effect 2 has been coming up in conversation at just about every social event I attend.  I have talkative friends who are not easily put off once they start telling anecdotes.  One or two of these conversations I could have handled, but after the third or fourth I rapidly hit my spoiler threshold and started acting like a brat about it.

And it really is being brat.  Maybe if it came out last week I'd have something to complain about.  As is, it's a pretty minor thing and I brought it on myself.  I could do to get more perspective sometimes.

What actually interested me most about this situation was the difference of opinion about what constitutes a spoiler.  Once everyone knows someone listening hasn't played a game (and intends to) there are certain things they will hold back, and other things they continue to discuss without any concern.

We are probably all in agreement about any pivotal plot twists being spoilers.  But after that it gets messier.

In the case of Bioware games, I normally expect very little from the overarching plot.  The first Mass Effect really interested me at first, with the worlds and characters it had created.  By by the end it had devolved into sickening patriotism, with humanity as the last hope for the universe.  I rapidly went from loving to hating it.  My major wish for the series is that we all get bitten in the arse for our arrogance.  Which may well happen, but I still don't really trust them to fix the things I have big problems with.

So, I haven't been too concerned about the larger-scale stuff in Mass Effect 2.  I am much more interested in the smaller stories and character interactions.  Those are also the things my friends have been less guarded about, and after so many conversations I've heard about quite a lot of them.  They are spoilers to me, but clearly I have opposite ideas about which topics are most important to avoid.

I've been thinking a lot about spoilers in my writing, and how to handle them.  As usual the answer is just to use my best judgement, and keep working on improving my writing.  As well as hoping people will forgive me when I do cross a line.

I hear a lot of people lamenting how much less time they have to play games these days. I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones, being almost 29 and having more play time than ever.

Actually, I'm not lucky at all.  I make very deliberate lifestyle decisions.   Not having kids is particularly helpful for maintaining my free time, admittedly.  If I ever decide to go down that path I will have to re-evaluate my choices again, but that's true of any major commitment.  Essentially, I've chosen to leave some time for games rather than taking on more things.  Not watching television and living very close to my work also help a lot.

When I still lived with my parents games were a bit of a luxury. Then as a university student I simply didn't have time to play many games. Anyone who just looks at the contact hours on a course and thinks uni students are slackers has absolutely no idea.

As a full time worker though, I have money to spend on games and the time outside work is actually my own.  I do have plenty of other things to fit in, but working has freed my life considerably. Everything I commit to now is a choice rather than a chore.  It's the only phase of my life where I've been able to play games without feeling guilty about it.

And maybe that means I'm living my life backwards. I grew up with a concept of what it meant to be "responsible", and having a list of things I "had" to achieve. Then I realised how much of that was false, and I could live pretty much however I wanted. It's been a lot more satisfying than trying to please everyone and prove to the world how smart and dedicated I am.

Oh yes, how dare I live for my own satisfaction?  If I must shouldn't it be as part of the race to constantly work more, do more, want more?  Games are my major indulgence, and not a very expensive one comparatively.  They let me get by on a rather simple lifestyle (by the standards of this rich, Western society anyway).

I'm very aware of the things I'm missing out on, and that I can choose to go after them at any time.  I wonder how many people can say the same?

I've reached the point now where I don't actually want any more time for games. There's a healthy balance to be maintained, and other things I also want to spend my time on.  Instead, my problem is wanting to get through everything and it not being possible. I am always trying to make a dint in the pile of unfinished games, but it's a losing battle. Ultimately, I end up with exactly the same problem as the people without a lot of time for playing games.

Tax-time sales really don't help matters. My best finds this year were $5 Chinatown Wars, and a half-price Collector's Edition of Bioshock 2. I'm sure they will be fun... when I get around to them.

Having all those unfinished games on the shelf isn't completely terrible. There's enough diversity to satisfy different moods, and I'm unlikely to get bored any time soon. It does feel horribly decadent though.

This whole post has been a bit decadent.  It's also quite defensive.  Gaming is a hobby I find myself needing to defend sometimes.  It has always surprised me that people can watch as much or more television without anyone batting an eyelid, but as soon as it's games people worry and look at me sideways.

As someone who no longer watches television, non-interactive media have become slightly strange to me.  I'll still watch video sometimes, but games have become more natural to me.  I wonder about the impact of sitting passively while ideas filter through you, instead of being forced to have some agency and consider what is being presented.

Even if I were in the majority I wouldn't tell other people how to live though.  I can only make decisions for myself.  All I really hope for is the same courtesy.

I enjoy writing.  I don't particularly enjoy speaking, which is normally not an issue for blogging and reviewing.  But I have refused to be on a few podcasts recently.

That's not a position I ever expected to find myself in.  And a part of me really wishes I were capable.  But I think slowly, to the extent that even normal private conversations are difficult for me in real time.  On top of that, my nerves and anxiety get in the way of expressing the ideas I do have in the moment.  I could never be sure if I was suddenly going to develop shakes or stutters.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and I'm pretty happy to accept mine.  I get to enjoy other people's podcasting skills instead, including my fellow Melbournians at Game Taco.  And I can't help but link The Brainy Gamer.

There will be some consequences for my choice not to speak though.  Recently, Game People did a podcast about Nier.  There were several good reasons I didn't join the discussion.  In addition to my usual issues it was recorded at 5:30 AM my time, which would be pretty dedicated.

So, ideas from my review are referred to and interpreted, instead of being directly expressed by me.  Amber Gilmore is effectively a persona of mine who writes fairly unusual reviews, and she was being paraphrased by someone else.  That's a very odd feeling, and I've rarely felt so disconnected from my words and ideas.

I'm not saying I was misrepresented.  I could add extra context and detail to what I was trying to get at, but there probably wasn't really room for that anyway.  And I'm definitely not saying they shouldn't have done it.  They are welcome to discuss my reviews as often as they like.  Explaining why something felt weird is not the same as criticising it, for the record.

But for me personally it was a feeling that got me thinking. It's particularly made me conscious of the fact that I often have a slightly different perspective, which people are likely to disagree with.  And that's absolutely fine, I'm not used to people agreeing with me.  But it also means I have to work extra hard to be clearly understood.  I wonder if my writing ability is really up to the challenge?

That's not a meant as a negative statement.  Trying to improve a craft, and having a reason to do so, is actually really cool.  Being poor at speaking doesn't automatically make me good at writing.  But it's something I'm happy to keep working at.

My latest Game People review is for The Witcher.

I've been intending to say more about The Witcher than just about the sex. A lot of it went into that review, which I really enjoyed writing. It's really more analysis than review, even by my usual standards.

I may just have played too much D&D, but neutrality is actually a personally important concept to me.

What I want to mention briefly is a mistake I made. In that review I use "who" to refer to monsters. I do consider it a mistake, but as errors go it's kind of perfect. After all, it's really the whole point. The scariest monsters are not external to humanity -- they are created from it.

A while ago I tweeted about the browser game Loved. I said it felt like being challenged by a thirteen-year-old, and isn't nearly as clever as it thinks it is.

Having only just played Loved I was in the mood to be snarky and defensive. It seemed like the game's creator was getting off on making me dance to his tune. I felt dirty and tried to rebel, which only made things worse.

It's worth noting that this isn't quite a criticism. It's a game that set out to prompt a reaction, and clearly it worked on me. Maybe a little too well.

Alexander Ocias interviews quite well, though having a face to put to the name creeps me out a little given how I reacted to his game. Nice to see a small-time Aussie developer getting so much coverage though.

I do agree with Ocias about hand-holding and huge tutorials in a lot of recent games. The number of manuals and tutorials in Mario Galaxy 2 is beyond ridiculous. Perhaps the Mario team think I have zero intelligence? I guess I am fairly used to that, though Galaxy 2 took it to new extremes. Loved, on the other hand, seemed to question my willpower and identity. That's a new experience and it wasn't at all comfortable.

I am clearly demonstrating here that dismissing something may just mean it got to me, and I don't want to be further defeated by admitting it. Normally I pride myself on being quite open and honest in my game writing, even if that's just a quick tweet. I'll happily admit when something scared me or became too difficult. But my identity is something I will never, ever concede.

It took a little space after playing Loved not to feel so threatened by it. Violated, even. So, I dismissed it and forgot about it, until I saw that GameSetWatch interview. I feel silly about it now, because I clearly took it far too seriously. It's embarrassing to admit to just how disturbing my gut reaction was. I'm an independent sort of person and rarely let anyone tell me who I am or what I should do.

Perhaps the worrying thing was actually being forced to question that certainty about my individuality and choices. After all, there is always some illusion to being free and unique. I am shaped and influenced by all kinds of things. I don't enjoy reflecting on the idea that I'm the creation of others instead of entirely my own person.

No other game has ever done that to me, so I both condemn and salute Loved for that.

I've written before about Character Design in Nier. After thinking on it some more, I've been trying to understand why Kainé's design doesn't offend me.

She is pushing the limits of decency, and it's a bit uncomfortable. I did actually think a lot about it while she was following me around, and my discomfort about her appearance never quite went away.

At the same time, I can see a logical reason for it. She has insecurities that make me understand why she might want to rub her femininity in people's faces. For me, that made her more acceptable than some more modest (but still highly sexualised) character designs in other games.

She is also anything but submissive, and happy to throw stereotypes back in people's faces if they pre-judge her based on appearance. Overall I find her much more empowering than objectifying. I considered my slight discomfort well worth it for how much it forced me to think. I believe in Kainé as a character, and choose to accept her as she is.

Kainé has reasons for her look, and I think is intended partly as commentary on female character design in general. That made me okay with her appearance, but I know I'm walking a difficult line when I write about this. My question, really, is once you start complaining about character objectification and sexualisation, is it ever okay to sexualise a character? My response would be that its acceptable in an appropriate context or with a good reason, rather than being gratuitous.

Of course, my definition of what explanations/contexts are acceptable is going to vary from someone else's. I suspect I'm one of the few people thinking about these issues who considered Kainé somewhat progressive and empowering rather than insulting.