Shallow Depths

I'm insecure about works-in-progress. Whenever I'm working on something, part of me is constantly waiting for someone to tell me it's crap, or that I'm going about it the wrong way. It seems safer to put finished products up for judgement, and leave the procesesses and failed attempts a mystery.

I honestly like constructive criticism (I struggle with praise far more, because I can't learn much from it and it's hard to see the point). But in the past I've received a lot of the other kind of cricicism. Harsh, thoughtless words, often targeting unfinished elements rather than genuine mistakes. I didn't like being attacked, so I built defence mechanisms, and hid many ideas.

Yes, it's a silly thing to worry about and I could often benefit from feedback at an earlier stage, but some habits are ridiculously hard to break.  I'm working on it.  In the meantime, this can cause unexpected issues.

One of the interesting things about play is that it's always a work-in-progress.  Defining play is probably a little bit silly (although plenty of people try).  But I think it's usually about doing something more than it's about end results.  Even though there is no way to 'do it wrong' I am still inclined to keep play private, working through my own exploration and experiments.  I only give myself free reign when I'm not being watched.

I think my secretive tendencies do play a disservice, but that's very much where I'm stuck at the moment.

When I was in high school they once booked out a Timezone arcade during camp (a fairly exotic outing for us country kids). It was an opportunity to play whatever I wanted, provided I didn't mind being surrounded by classmates, as well as having to ask the staff to unlock the machine I wanted to play.

As you can possibly imagine, it was an opportunity largely wasted on me, and created a lot of discomfort.

The issue also came up strongly during this year's Freeplay festival. Getting hands-on with some of the independent games on display is an important element for many people. For me, it's a small nightmare. I cope with interactive displays by latching onto someone and following them around – I do at least enjoy watching other people interact publically.

(My partner seems to hate being followed like this, by the way, he deals with it by pretending I'm not there. I probably need to find others more comfortable with my stategy if I want to check out these kinds of displays. That or, you know, deal with it well enough not to need someone to follow.)

Computer games usually have end-points, but the journey is far more important than the destination.  I'm not comfortable with anyone else watching me while I go through the process of experimentation and learning what the game demands of me.

If I'm willing to play a game with someone it's a huge sign of trust, and even then I'll probably put in enough solo-time first that I'm confident of my ability to be an asset. That avoids other people having to witness quite as much of my learning process.

So, I have some things to work on there.  What is possibly more interesting is that it forced me to consider the kind of process play might be, and why it's important.  It's not serious, but that doesn't make it unimportant.

This is well-worn ground, perhaps, but something I plan to think about some more.